If you’ve been labelled as the black sheep of the family, or the deviant youth, or good for nothing, emotional, depressed, queer/crazy
The introverts and shy Kings and Queens…
(And a few more labels that separate us from the “normal” people)
If you’ve never “fit in” to society this is for you.
Grab your favourite drink, go to your corner, or whatever… Just know this is one long read.
“But as time went on, disapproving glances cast in her direction made it obvious that such ill-mannered behaviour would no longer be accepted”
Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M Auel.
Dear Divine One,
My thoughts keep me up at night and I cannot sleep. Insomnia has become a common trait, and though before I could just watch something or read a book to dose off, I can’t sleep at all. This insomnia has been induced by foreign chemicals prescribed by a psychiatrist.
Once again I have to “fix” myself. And this time around chemicals that have been tested on rats is the “solution”.
And once again, there is this feeling that I cannot shake, this feeling that it is my fault once again and that I must conform to society’s rules and regulations of how I must act and think. Of how I must be.
Ever since I can remember I have never “fit in”. I’m at odds with the Clan. I am an Oddity
I was aware very early in life that I was an Oddity. I could feel the stares and glances. I could feel the disapproving looks and the tsk tsks that would be directed my way. And I know my mother got a tongue lashing from other women and parents about me, how I was not like other children; girls. She won’t tell me but I know.
I was an only child for 5 years and so when my parents would go visiting, I would sometimes find something to do in the vicinity of the adult’s presence and listen. Their conversations were really interesting to me. I was after all a curious Oddity. If there were children I would play with them, but I’d get bored then go look for a book to read. I was Odd.
I remember the first time I was found by an adult, they were so shocked at my presence, “what are you doing here? Shoo go and play with so and so!” and then the immediate sentence to my mother, “your daughter was here listening to us; you know she shouldn’t …….”
I remember an incident in a particular school in this Clan; I was in standard 4, 8 years old and still an Oddity. I was beaten for using the word “supposed”. Apparently I should have never known the word. I was beaten because I knew something I wasn’t supposed to know at that age. How ironic. But there we go, the Oddity I was, being punished. Look children, she is Odd, do not be like her. Be Clan. Conform and everything shall be fine.
I remember being told in another Clan school that I asked too many questions.
And yet another teacher told me I had very strange ideas.
I got into trouble for things that I didn’t even start because it was easy to blame the Oddity. I remember several instances when other clan mates would say “it’s her fault!”
So I learnt not to defend myself and take the blame.
It’s my fault I’m Odd.
The words “I do not understand you” have been directed towards me for so long. And in my head, where 99% of me has learnt to hide agrees and I whisper to myself “yes I know. It’s my fault.”
When I am given a compliment I get scared and wary of that person, especially if they are from this Clan “What do they want from me?” I ask myself, for I am so used to harsh words of rejection and being told “You must change. You can do better.”
I keep asking you Divine One, if there is something wrong with me. It is a constant thought at the back of my mind.
Rejection from the Clan because I am an Oddity still hurts so much, no matter how many times I have been through it. Even as I write this I am crying because I have never fit in and I am always told that I have to change to fit in, it is always my fault.
How many times have you seen me cry Divine One? How many times have you seen me take blame for who I am? How many times have you seen me try to change and become what society wants and I suffer and wither? Am I doomed to be rejected at every turn of my life? That even after conforming to society’s needs I am still at fault? Am I not good enough?
I have searched and searched for answers that could fix me. Something that would change me and maybe then, just maybe the Clan will accept me. The looks of disapproval will stop and the tsks will halt.
But, somewhere along my journey of searching, I still do or say something that the Clan finds disapproving and again I get punished and I am back to the same old line, “it’s my fault.”
It’s my fault that I am an Oddity. It’s my fault because I do not act in the proper manner. It’s my fault because I do not speak in the proper manner (I am to abrasive, caustic, sarcastic, I do not express myself in the correct way). It’s my fault because I am too emotional (I react to quickly, I explode in anger, I am just too emotional and not rational, I let my emotions rule me) and the list goes on and on and on and on and on. There is honestly not one good thing about me when it comes to the Clan, every single thing is Wrong. And I must change.
Divine One I do not know what part of I has not been attacked by the Clan. If it’s not my actions, it’s my speech, if it’s not that it’s my thinking and if it’s not that then it’s my performance and if it’s not that then it is my emotions.
“Everything is meaningless, says the Teacher, completely meaningless!”
Dear Divine One,
Sigh. Sometimes I question my existence. As an Oddity I have such a heavy burden. I even question my sanity during these insomnia filled nights. Wondering, searching and looking for anything that could explain what I could do so that my Oddity is erased once and for all.
Divine One why am I here? To what purpose does my Oddity really serve?
I ask myself over and over why can I not just conform to the ways of the Clan like every other child? Why is it so hard? Or am I making a big fuss out of nothing?
Yet I have tried over and over and over and over and over and over and over again to conform.
And I am met with the same results.
I get depressed.
Then I try to come back to you Divine One.
5 times now.
Will there be a sixth and a seventh and an eighth?
Is this what my life is going to be?
Divine One if the clan does not want me, the Oddity, then what am I still doing here?
You have seen my tears of hurt, of frustration and desperation. My cries of hopelessness and despair.
It is so hard to live in a Clan that rejects every single fibre of who I am. What I am.
I get endless advice of how I should change myself, my speech, my thinking. Approval is always followed with “but you should improve on……”
I cannot go on like this.
Not to mention all the labels the Clan has slapped on me over time.
I have been called “crazy” and “not normal” so many times I smile and say “but of course I am.” As my heart sinks even lower.
Doctors said/say I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder)
And I picked up the title of “Alcoholic” as I tried to conform to the Clan and used alcohol to numb myself.
Now add “Suicidal & Depressed”
“Then We made the sperm drop into a clinging clot, and We made the clot into a lump [of flesh], and We made [from] the lump, bones, and We covered the bones with flesh; then We developed him into another creation.
So blessed is Allah, the best of creators.” 23:14
“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven…… A time to search and a time to quit searching, A time to keep and a time to throw away, A time to tear and a time to mend.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 6
Dear Divine One,
You created me and that should be enough. Why do I need the approval of the Clan? And then I’m told that to live with the Clan I must conform. I must abide by their game. I must be like the other female Clan members.
But I tried, that’s why I am a “Suicidal & Depressed” Oddity.
I was told that I am a broken bird and that I should stop. I was asked if I want my wings and when I said yes I was told “you must learn how to express yourself better”.
Divine One, I am honestly done searching for solutions to fix myself. I’ve been fixing myself for 25 years to fit in a Clan that honestly speaking will not accept me.
I cannot be a docile, subservient female.
I cannot be a left brained, close minded female.
I cannot accept rules and regulations that do not make common sense.
I cannot accept rigidity and suppression of free will and being.
I cannot express myself to their standards and I cannot supress my emotions.
I cannot change how I think and what I think.
I cannot accept Clan ways and quite frankly I have almost died trying to.
I am a ball of curious energy; I am constantly thinking, observing and seeking. I speak my mind and stand by my beliefs. Yes I find it hard to articulate myself in speech (I rarely have a thought on its own; it has several sub thoughts and ideas about the thought get jumbled in the process) and come across as abrasive and caustic and sarcastic however that is not 100% of the time.
My thinking is unconventional, I do not think like every other human being. I have some belief systems that the Clan does not have and quite frankly there is nothing wrong with having them just because they are not Clan beliefs. When things/beliefs/mandates are forced upon me I tend to withdraw and become depressed over a period of time.
I am spontaneous and hate routine. If an activity interests me then I will give it my full attention, if it doesn’t then I will not put effort. I am sensitive to criticism and rejection. I am not very practical with real-world applications. I sometimes tend to complicate the world around me.
I need alone time; sometimes a day, a week, other times months, it’s the only way I know how to recharge from being in the outside world, or recover from a situation that drained me. It does not mean I am depressed!
I am weird and quirky. I know and understand my emotions and dark side and love them because they are a part of me.
Point is, I know myself quite well because I have spent 25years of my life searching for ways to fix myself and in the end only found out more of who I am.
I am your beautiful creation Divine One, and I am tired of changing myself for the Clan.