I’ve tried 5 times

Over the course of my short 24 years of life, I have known friends who have tried to commit suicide or have committed suicide.

It’s a scary place to be once you think of ending your life. And really it’s not selfish when someone does commit suicide.
They have dealt with so much pain and heartache and they feel like the world would be much better off without them.

And it’s true. Because by the time someone is killing themselves, so much negativity has been directed at them they feel worthless.

I know that feeling all to well.

I’ve tried to commit suicide 5 times.

The first time I was 9. My mom had put me in a boarding school way out in the Athi River area when it was pure bush.  I felt rejected and alone. It felt like I was being punished. It also didn’t help that the teachers in that school would beat the living daylights out of me with a pipe because I wasn’t a “model” student.
I asked too many questions, I didn’t sit still,  I didn’t pay attention,  I didn’t,  I didn’t,  I didn’t.

So I tried.

The second time I tried to commit suicide I was 14.
I was in LCVR doing the last year of the Kenyan Primary System. There was sooo much work to do and the pressure of getting above 350 was drummed into my head every single day of that year. My grades were never “good” enough.  I had to try harder and be better or I was a failure. I was living with my grandparents while my family was in Dar-es-Salaam. And my period pains were killing me and I was being told that I was pretending.
I felt worthless and rejected.

So I tried again.

The third time I was 17 and in my first Uni. I didn’t want to get the degree I was doing. I was “depressed” and numbing myself with alcohol. Already the thoughts of “you must work hard and get good grades” was heavily imprinted in my brain.
What I wanted to do sounded ridiculous to those who had carved out my life for me and I was constantly reminded of how I was not “good” enough.

So I tried again.

The fourth time I was 21. I was in USIU and all hell had broken loose. My drinking was at a classic high and I had flunked my first two years already. Yeah, it didn’t help that I was told that I must, or that I should or that I have to.
Worthlessness and rejection had become my best friends and the negative vibes I was getting from those that were “supporting” only fueled the pain.

So I tried.

Then this year at the age of 24, in April,  I tried once more to leave this world.

I have spent 24 years of my life fighting with the world. Fighting with those around me. Fighting with my family.
Fighting for the right to be who I was designed to be by the Divine One and to do the things that the Divine One has given me the passion for.
And at all angles and corners I have met resistance because others seem to “know” what’s best for me. What course my life should take. How I should live. What I have to do.

So forgive me if I tried to leave Earth and go back to the Divine One. 
Forgive me if I tried to leave Earth and go back to the creator who doesn’t care about my grades or when I’ll get married or how skinny I am or how I act or how I think, or what I do for a living or how much money I’m making or where I go for holidays.

Forgive all those who have ended their lives due to the fact that all they receive is negativity and rejection.

And forgive yourselves for making them kill themselves.

I hate how people are like “oh I wish I knew, I could have helped” cause you did help.
You helped that person kill themselves because you were to busy dictating and telling them what they should do and must do and what they had to do to actually see that what you were doing and saying was killing them.

Forgive yourselves.

We that try to commit suicide are stronger than you think because we take your shit.
And those that are gone by their hands are happier than they were on this earth.

(I am in no way advocating suicide, just telling the stark truth of a painful topic)

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